Pushing through

Just updating to say that I am still alive this week as far as I know.

Things are going crazy. Portfolio. Job apps (summer AND permanent). Evaluations. Observations.

Ugh.


One step at a time.

Kindergarten Physics

It's been a weird couple of weeks. Last week was rough, getting back into the swing of things after break. This week looked like it was going to be the same stressful song and dance, but yesterday morning it turned around.

Monday morning started off with some intensely frustrating communication errors. We had agreed upon one thing several weeks ago, Lizzy had changed her mind and forgotten to tell me, I hadn't asked her about the topic again, and she assumed I knew the change. I could write some really annoyed commentary, but I know it really doesn't matter. Eventually I basically said, "Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full," and continued with my planning. I checked the number of days I have left in the school and prayed that I could just survive them.

A short while later during planning period, Lizzy asked me to write out a list of 6-10 ideas of what to try if a part's notes aren't accurate. I wrote out about 9 things on a sheet of paper and handed them to her. After looking them over, she said I should keep that on the stand with me, so I didn't run into a situation like we'd had on Friday, when my mind blanked during a rehearsal.

I expressed to her how I was frustrated because 1) these things I listed were all things I already knew, but I couldn't remember them at the time; and 2) I always was under the impression that you're only supposed to keep all of that kind of information locked and loaded in your head, you shouldn't EVER need a physical list in front of you. Because teachers are magic filing systems who can just pull out any information they need to use whenever they need it, no matter the stress of the situation. Right?

Lizzy just laughed, and it started to make me feel better. But I was still frustrated about my own progress, so I told her as much. Basically what it came down to is that I was trying to work at the level I want to be, instead of the level I'm at and working my way up.

"It's like a kindergartener who wants to understand physics right now," Lizzy said.

I laughed heartily when she gave that analogy. I could have taken that statement offensively, but she didn't mean it as such. "That...is the most apt way I've heard it put. It's the first way I've heard it that I can actually accept its point." I'm still learning, and I'm still in an incredibly early part of my teaching. Eventually I may reach a point where I won't need as many lists to help keep my thoughts organized, but if that's what I need right now, it's what I need.

The week's outlook brightened considerably after that. I've been writing lists like crazy, brainstorming ways to keep energy up, ways to get a specific tone, phrasing ideas, etc. I think I'll post some later this week.

As far as the first problem from yesterday goes, I've determined that it was just "a case of the Mondays." Yup. Monday mornings are just rough. Somehow I'll get through!

And the countdown begins...

It's been two weeks since I last posted. On Friday the 30th we had a half day, followed by a week-long spring break. It wasn't very restful, but it was certainly enjoyable, even though I had a lot of work to do.

The kids were absolutely nuts the week before break. This was for two reasons, both of which I believe are perfectly valid:
(1) It was the week before spring break, and
(2) There was a full moon.

I always thought people were exaggerating about the full moon affecting student behavior, but ho. ly. cow. Classroom personalities were reversing all over the place. It was almost too much for me to handle. I didn't want to relive that week at the end of it.

However, the end of my sixth grade class was quite nice. A surprising amount of them raised their hands high when Lizzy asked who was considering taking choir in the fall. It was touching. Their grades are due at the end of the week, so I'm going through and writing comments about each one. This class will always have a special place in my heart because they were the first I had from beginning to end, even if it was only four weeks.

I feel like my lesson plans are in a good place, thanks in large part to some charts Lizzy made that have been helping me visually as I plan. My coordinator is observing me with a choir for the first time since January. Since then he's watched me with the sixth graders, I think partially because it's closer to his comfort level. He's liked my lesson plans for those classes, so we'll see how he likes what elements I've incorporated into my choir lesson plans.

It's been a weird semester between Lizzy and me. Since this is public, I can't really go into the issues in depth. All I really want to say is that I've been struggling with dealing with our personality differences, and this has affected my communication with her, and how I evaluate my own teaching.

Yesterday I finally had to just stop myself and write out my thoughts in a small journal I keep for just such occasions.

"Look," I wrote, "You only have three more weeks. Just go with the flow and do what you know how to do. Kick as much ass as possible. you can be yourself with the students, but you need to build a wall. You can take a comment personally, you just can't let her or the students see that you take it personally." So I kicked it yesterday, and by the end of the day I felt a lot better about everything.

I think that this entire semester I've been so focused on "DON'T TAKE EVERYTHING PERSONALLY HOW DARE YOU DO THAT" when that is completely against how I function. Some things I can't help but take personally, regardless of how I know they were or were not meant. However, I can put up a membrane: things can come in but I won't let my personal feelings come out. That's what happened yesterday, and it worked. I don't know if it makes sense to anyone else but it does to me.

The teflon barrier where I can just not let comments get to me as much in the first place? That's something I'm working on gradually. I just can't try and use a barrier that's not ready, or it'll get destroyed. Like trying to keep away invaders with a half-built wall. I'm working on it.

Three weeks. Really scary, but I'll be happy to finally reach the finish line.

Back to the grindstone

First day back after mid-winter break, which was super refreshing. I walked in with a fresh outlook, ready for a new week of rehearsals to start. I walked in and it all took a nosedive.

All of the classrooms at Longbourn are getting Smart Boards, whether they need them or not. Because of fallen-through promises from the tech people, the setup of the choir room is now completely discombobulated. It's very stressful for Lizzy and all day she was really tense and pissed off, to use her own terms. Of course, much of it has to do with the fact that festival is coming up and there's still lots of prep to do, and none of the technology is useful/fully operational the way the tech people have it set up now. (Part of it is because we got a used smart board so that someone else could get a new one, and one of our cords got lost somewhere in that process.)

Right, not going to go all into the tech issue. Basically, though, I feel completely out on a limb now. I hardly even talked to Lizzy today because she was so upset and when she's like that, I can't say anything that will help.

I think I've made the decision to just man up and do what I need to do, and not let anyone's attitude influence me. I could handle the kids because at the end of the day, Lizzy was there to encourage me. Today the kids were great, and Lizzy was the one driving me crazy.

Thankfully, I was able to fake it for the students when I did warm-ups with all the choirs, and it went well. I spent most of the day reading and copying articles on choral methods, browsing some of Lizzy's books for ideas for sixth grade, and reading some material on boys' changing voices.

I think prayer and determination will see me through this. And I'm sure things will start to even out after festival.

Goldfish

Yesterday with fourth hour actually went quite well, but today was rough once again. My energy yesterday was great, even though my voice was shot. I put forth energy and they gave it right back.

Today, apparently my energy said, "We have to get through this, kill me now."

I felt absolutely terrible after fourth hour, like Lizzy was just super disappointed in me, like I was ruining their chances at festival, just awful. I was a mess until partway through fifth hour, when I really was able to think back to yesterday meeting with my therapist.

"Make yourself thankful for the ridiculous circumstances that don't happen," was along the lines of what she said. Essentially, the students aren't dead, so it's a success. And middle schoolers have 30-second memories, so by tomorrow they won't care what I did today.

"They're basically goldfish," I decided, and really decided to make that my frame of mind if I completely crash and burn. "They've got 30-second memories, and by the end of the day it's a miracle that they're even alive."

It's been a really rough week in general, just seeing the messed up administration, and dealing with criticism. For me, it's hard to remember that I am still just a student, that it's okay for me to not be perfect and to make mistakes. It's especially difficult to be okay with that when we've got festival coming up, so I'm glad Lizzy and I were able to talk about that today.

My mom had lunch with her art teacher friend from one of her former schools. When my mom told her about my rough week and how personally I've been taking these struggles, she said, "Someone really needs to tell her that student teaching is awful and she can't base her decision to teach on that. You need to teach at least two years before you can decide that."

It's a tremendous weight off my shoulders to hear that. I heaved a sigh of relief when I knew that it is actually okay to really struggle during student teaching. So many people have gone through awful student teaching experiences and come out fine on the other end, so I think it's going to be okay.

So on my last day of classes before our week-long mid-winter break, I just need to remember that they are goldfish, and it will be a success if they are still alive at the end of the day. Here we go.

Rocky V-Day

It's been an up and down sort of day. I don't really want to relive it.

Up: Woke up and watched this video before leaving for the middle school.

Down: Took 45 minutes to get to school because of snow.

Up: Dressed really cute and got compliments on my outfit. Felt like such a teacher with my flowy cardigan and white blouse.

Up: Got a valentine and a candy from one girl in third hour, and another from a girl in sixth.

Down, down, WAY down: Fourth hour was abysmal. Discipline problems galore, and I was teaching the whole class all hour and couldn't figure out how to handle it without letting them see me think through it. Cried during lunch because I was so torn up about it.

Up: Figured out with Lizzy that tomorrow I am going to lay down the law during fourth hour. That is the primary objective tomorrow, and any musical learning will be almost secondary. I need to establish that I mean business.

Up: Had an assembly halfway through fifth hour.

Up: Sixth hour was really great for Lizzy today; it was wonderful to watch.

Up: Worked on lesson planning strategies with Lizzy after school today and got some ideas for first hour tomorrow.

Down: Had to go home, and couldn't work on lesson plan right away. Couldn't get my mind off of it until we sat down to dinner.

Up: Got to talk to Monica on my way home from school! :)

Up: Went to Richter's Chalet in Dearborn for dinner with my parents, grandmother, sister, and her husband and baby!

Down: Realized that, oh crap, there are university student observers coming in tomorrow to the school, and that if they are there during fourth hour, I absolutely WOULD NOT feel comfortable establishing my authoritah in front of them. Also I'm not who they came to see. Freaked out and called/texted/emailed Lizzy about it.

Up: While alone at the house, worked on my first hour lesson plan for an hour and a half, just working and reworking sections of it. It was really awesome and productive. I felt much better about tomorrow once I started it.

Up: Lizzy called me and confirmed that we will go lesson plan for fourth hour during planning period tomorrow, and that the observers are coming in for just third hour. She said she would never put me up for the full hour in front of them, especially during fourth hour. We chatted for a few minutes and all was well.

Up: Listened to most of the Red Wings game, which was awesome!!! 21 home wins! Huzzah!

Overall, the ups outweigh the downs, but some of those downs were pretty rough for a while there.

Tomorrow will be so much better. I'm so ruddy prepared for first hour, it's ridiculous.

Bring it on.

Groundhog Day

Yesterday I literally worried myself sick. I was physically ill, on the verge of throwing up and passing out all morning, so Lizzy sent me home. She ordered me to go right to bed and not do anything school-related all day.

I went home and talked to my mom for an hour. We figured out that even though I've been doing things to take my mind off of teaching, I don't really immerse myself in them. I'm either thinking about teaching or feeling guilty for not thinking about teaching.

It's also hard to break out of the mindset that "teaching is stressful, so if I'm not stressed I'm not doing it right," or that "if the solution is easy, it's probably wrong." Both of those are fallacies that I have to get over if I'm going to survive. Most of the time the simplest answer is the best one, and it's staring you right in the face.

Even when I'm prepared for the next day, I worry about it. Mom suggested that I write down my thoughts and worries, put them in a box, and then put that box away at the end of the day. I decided to alter that a little bit and just find a journal I'm not currently using, write down what's been accomplished, write a note saying that I'm done for the day, and then stick it in the drawer in my bedside table.

The rest of the day was spent watching Mean Girls, napping, and watching 30 Rock. It was spectacularly relaxing, and exactly what I needed. I didn't feel guilty in the slightest, because Lizzy expressly told me to take a personal day and not even think about school.

Today started much better, but Lizzy was in a foul mood going into all the choir classes--especially fifth and sixth hour. All of the classes were wiped out and didn't want to do anything. Perhaps it's just that they're getting back into the swing of being in school every day. Maybe it's something in the water.

Or the food. Not sure if I mentioned this before, but the entire lunch staff was replaced about a month ago, and when I found that out I had just seen the "School Reunion" episode of Doctor Who. I was kinda weirded out the rest of the week.

Anyway, Lizzy had to do a ton of pulling and pulling just to get the students to even try to read through their music. I took the fifth hour boys into the side office five and six at a time, to see how well they knew their parts for Now is the Month of Maying. Most of them did okay in that room, they just didn't want to sing out during class. Which is beyond frustrating.

Denny, a new student I've mentioned working with before, actually was matching pitch on almost all the notes today! His range on Friday was about an F#3-A3, and today he was doing quite well with E3-C4 in Maying.

HALLELUJAH.

I told him I was really excited for him and pleased with his progress. "Just keep doing what you're doing!" He seemed to cheer up a bit then.

Granted, when the guys had to put their parts together with the girls, he didn't do so hot, but he was consistently trying. We also sang it a lot slower in the office than we did with the whole choir. Baby steps.

And Lizzy finally discovered the secret to getting a semi-decent tone out of fourth hour: warming up the girls and boys separately. Normally her classes don't have a problem warming up together, but this class does. Both genders back off and are distracted by the other's tone. Today they sang out a bit more.

Fourth hour is still stuck on the first page of Dodi Li. Part of it is that there are both girls and boys, and they're not all completely comfortable with their voices yet. Most of it is that most of the students in fourth hour process information slower than the students in third hour, so they are consistently a day or so behind third hour. At least I know what I'm working with so I can adjust!

Finally got them to give the energy the piece requires by threatening to go back to the beginning if they let up the energy at all. They let up a tiny bit towards the middle of the first page, and I didn't start over. Tomorrow I may actually follow through if it gets them to give more and consistently.

Had a brief conversation with a student today before fourth hour after noticing his shirt.

"Is that a Kingdom Hearts shirt?"

He looked down at his shirt. "Yes."

I gave a brief, curt nod. "Good."

We then shared our hatred for the Wonderland music and how it gets stuck in your head for weeks on end. It was a happy moment, even if it reminded me that the game came out when he was a toddler, and when I was his age.

I know I'm only 22, but there are some days when I just feel old.