[Insert Europe Song]

Today was my last Monday, AND my last formal observation from CMU. It feels really weird, and I haven't fully processed it yet.

I started today with 14 things I had to write looming over my head (rationales and reflections for my portfolio). I have now whittled it down to 5, thanks to only rehearsing one song with each choir for the rest of the week, since those are the pieces I'm conducting on the concert. Tomorrow is a half-day, wherein we only see each for 20 minutes (dumb), and the latter half of the day is spent at a building improvement meeting (dumber). Wednesday I am spending most of the day observing the high school choir director, so that will be a nice change of pace. After school that day, Lizzy and I are planning on going to Planet Fitness, where she has a membership. Her membership entails that she can bring a friend whenever she wants, so I'm trying it out this week! I'm looking forward to it. 

I know Lizzy has something planned for the students to give to me before I leave at the end of the week, I'm just scared that I'm going to cry when I see it. As far as I know it involves them writing notes to me. I'm not sure it's going to be a folder of notes (tear-worthy in itself) or if it will be a book (peel me sobbing off the floor). But between that and the fact that I'm singing "For Good," from Wicked for all the classes on Friday, it's going to be an incredibly bittersweet day. Hopefully I'll be able to get through the song four classes in a row. Agh. 

Anyway, better get some shut-eye. Tomorrow promises to be a long day, but I will have a lot accomplished by the end of it. 

Pushing through

Just updating to say that I am still alive this week as far as I know.

Things are going crazy. Portfolio. Job apps (summer AND permanent). Evaluations. Observations.

Ugh.


One step at a time.

Broken Streak

Today broke my streak of good days for the week. Of course it was only two days, but they were a good two days. Lizzy had to call in a sub, and since PESG hasn't gotten my stuff put through yet, that sub was not me.

First hour was okay, and then the day steadily regressed from there. Third hour started great, and then the girls just got suuuper whiny. It was incredibly frustrating, and I let them know that. Fourth hour was super squirrelly, fifth hour was chatty and full of attitude, and sixth hour was whiny as well. It just was not working today.

I left the day feeling badly about how the students performed (or didn't), not about my teaching abilities. A month ago I would have been sobbing halfway through the day, so I feel this was an improvement. Tomorrow will be better, I know. I want it to get here. I don't want to rehash the day's events.

Future Kirsten: Sometimes they are just not going to go with it, and it is not your fault. Move on, tomorrow is a new day.

Kindergarten Physics

It's been a weird couple of weeks. Last week was rough, getting back into the swing of things after break. This week looked like it was going to be the same stressful song and dance, but yesterday morning it turned around.

Monday morning started off with some intensely frustrating communication errors. We had agreed upon one thing several weeks ago, Lizzy had changed her mind and forgotten to tell me, I hadn't asked her about the topic again, and she assumed I knew the change. I could write some really annoyed commentary, but I know it really doesn't matter. Eventually I basically said, "Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full," and continued with my planning. I checked the number of days I have left in the school and prayed that I could just survive them.

A short while later during planning period, Lizzy asked me to write out a list of 6-10 ideas of what to try if a part's notes aren't accurate. I wrote out about 9 things on a sheet of paper and handed them to her. After looking them over, she said I should keep that on the stand with me, so I didn't run into a situation like we'd had on Friday, when my mind blanked during a rehearsal.

I expressed to her how I was frustrated because 1) these things I listed were all things I already knew, but I couldn't remember them at the time; and 2) I always was under the impression that you're only supposed to keep all of that kind of information locked and loaded in your head, you shouldn't EVER need a physical list in front of you. Because teachers are magic filing systems who can just pull out any information they need to use whenever they need it, no matter the stress of the situation. Right?

Lizzy just laughed, and it started to make me feel better. But I was still frustrated about my own progress, so I told her as much. Basically what it came down to is that I was trying to work at the level I want to be, instead of the level I'm at and working my way up.

"It's like a kindergartener who wants to understand physics right now," Lizzy said.

I laughed heartily when she gave that analogy. I could have taken that statement offensively, but she didn't mean it as such. "That...is the most apt way I've heard it put. It's the first way I've heard it that I can actually accept its point." I'm still learning, and I'm still in an incredibly early part of my teaching. Eventually I may reach a point where I won't need as many lists to help keep my thoughts organized, but if that's what I need right now, it's what I need.

The week's outlook brightened considerably after that. I've been writing lists like crazy, brainstorming ways to keep energy up, ways to get a specific tone, phrasing ideas, etc. I think I'll post some later this week.

As far as the first problem from yesterday goes, I've determined that it was just "a case of the Mondays." Yup. Monday mornings are just rough. Somehow I'll get through!

And the countdown begins...

It's been two weeks since I last posted. On Friday the 30th we had a half day, followed by a week-long spring break. It wasn't very restful, but it was certainly enjoyable, even though I had a lot of work to do.

The kids were absolutely nuts the week before break. This was for two reasons, both of which I believe are perfectly valid:
(1) It was the week before spring break, and
(2) There was a full moon.

I always thought people were exaggerating about the full moon affecting student behavior, but ho. ly. cow. Classroom personalities were reversing all over the place. It was almost too much for me to handle. I didn't want to relive that week at the end of it.

However, the end of my sixth grade class was quite nice. A surprising amount of them raised their hands high when Lizzy asked who was considering taking choir in the fall. It was touching. Their grades are due at the end of the week, so I'm going through and writing comments about each one. This class will always have a special place in my heart because they were the first I had from beginning to end, even if it was only four weeks.

I feel like my lesson plans are in a good place, thanks in large part to some charts Lizzy made that have been helping me visually as I plan. My coordinator is observing me with a choir for the first time since January. Since then he's watched me with the sixth graders, I think partially because it's closer to his comfort level. He's liked my lesson plans for those classes, so we'll see how he likes what elements I've incorporated into my choir lesson plans.

It's been a weird semester between Lizzy and me. Since this is public, I can't really go into the issues in depth. All I really want to say is that I've been struggling with dealing with our personality differences, and this has affected my communication with her, and how I evaluate my own teaching.

Yesterday I finally had to just stop myself and write out my thoughts in a small journal I keep for just such occasions.

"Look," I wrote, "You only have three more weeks. Just go with the flow and do what you know how to do. Kick as much ass as possible. you can be yourself with the students, but you need to build a wall. You can take a comment personally, you just can't let her or the students see that you take it personally." So I kicked it yesterday, and by the end of the day I felt a lot better about everything.

I think that this entire semester I've been so focused on "DON'T TAKE EVERYTHING PERSONALLY HOW DARE YOU DO THAT" when that is completely against how I function. Some things I can't help but take personally, regardless of how I know they were or were not meant. However, I can put up a membrane: things can come in but I won't let my personal feelings come out. That's what happened yesterday, and it worked. I don't know if it makes sense to anyone else but it does to me.

The teflon barrier where I can just not let comments get to me as much in the first place? That's something I'm working on gradually. I just can't try and use a barrier that's not ready, or it'll get destroyed. Like trying to keep away invaders with a half-built wall. I'm working on it.

Three weeks. Really scary, but I'll be happy to finally reach the finish line.