I started using math early. Heck, I don't even remember a time when I didn't know 2+2. I figured hey, if the teacher shows it to me it must be okay, right? I mean, if it gets me good grades, I guess I'll keep using it.
By the time I finished middle school, I'd moved onto harder stuff: Algebra. I'd always heard kids on TV talking about Algebra, but I didn't think it would happen to me.
High school was when my math issues started to spiral out of control. 9th grade hit, and I was on the accelerated track: accelerated geometry, algebra 2, finally accelerated pre-calc. I reached a point where my parents couldn't help me, and "calc" was a dirty, four-letter word in our household. I couldn't even go to my friends for help. All my teachers told me was that I needed it for real life, so I couldn't stop taking it. I was past all hope, as far as I knew.
Senior year, it hit me: I don't have to live this way. I took Humanities and my math problems were over. I've been clean for three years now, not counting when a prof tried to get me to use the "real world" stuff in college.
~~
That, dear readers, is what happens when you put me in a kitchen for seven hours with the oldies station playing the same meth addiction and recovery PSA's every fifteen minutes.
Showing posts with label silly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label silly. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Abominations.
Wednesday I heard what sounded like a hybrid dog-monkey yapping in or around my backyard.
I was too scared to look out the window, too afraid of the unending possibilities of carnage I might see.
It was probably a stupid yappy lapdog, but this is what I envisioned:
In case you missed it, that's a "scary monkey mouth," "doggy paws," "obligatory bloodshot eye," "monkey hand-feet," and a "prehensile tail for flinging poo."
My internet search for "monkey dog hybrid" revealed that there is in fact a breed of dog called the Affenpinscher that is nicknamed the "monkey dog." I found this site where they show a picture of the dog, saying that its completely furry face and framed features make it look kinda like a monkey. Other sites say its playful attitude contributes to that, but yet another site I found says that this is not a good dog for children. Gee, who wouldn't want to place a baby monkey-dog in the presence of their children, I mused.
Then I started thinking about other unlikely animal hybrids, namely cats. What could be weird to mix with a cat, I thought? I don't know, how about an elephant? Apparently I was not the first person to think this would be ridiculous, and I stumbled upon this list and more importantly, its comment section where someone joked that they're trying to create a cat-elephant hybrid named a catephant, in order to take "massive poos in [his] neighbour's garden." Charming. This all in the midst of a somewhat confusing and silly argument about taxonomy and wolves/dogs. Seriously though, that list is pretty cool.
What did I come up with?
I also thought about what would happen if machines were hybridized with animals. Not like some sort of cyborg rooster or what have you, but like a bird microwave:
[From the back, because seriously, you don't want to see that thing's hind end.] Imagine everything you hate about birds, then imagine them amplified: Being awakened at 5 AM every summer morning by a chorus of birds screaming for each others' attention? You now awaken to the quiet hum of a microwave, followed abruptly by a heinous unearthly beeping at a high E-flat (did I tell you I used to sing the same pitch as the microwave when I was little? No? Well Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime). Annoying bird poo on your windshield? That is now deadly flaming poo showers raining down from the skies. The only saving grace there is the series of deafeningly friendly warning beeps from above.
I quite enjoyed the idea of Tim Curry-Bees. They would lull you into a false sense of security and enjoyment by doing a sing-along of "Sweet Transvestite," then while you're busy doing the Time Warp, they attack from all sides, driving you into anaphylactic shock regardless of whether or not you have a "bee allergy."
Everyone is allergic to Frank-n-Bees.
Everyone.
I was too scared to look out the window, too afraid of the unending possibilities of carnage I might see.
It was probably a stupid yappy lapdog, but this is what I envisioned:
In case you missed it, that's a "scary monkey mouth," "doggy paws," "obligatory bloodshot eye," "monkey hand-feet," and a "prehensile tail for flinging poo."
My internet search for "monkey dog hybrid" revealed that there is in fact a breed of dog called the Affenpinscher that is nicknamed the "monkey dog." I found this site where they show a picture of the dog, saying that its completely furry face and framed features make it look kinda like a monkey. Other sites say its playful attitude contributes to that, but yet another site I found says that this is not a good dog for children. Gee, who wouldn't want to place a baby monkey-dog in the presence of their children, I mused.
Then I started thinking about other unlikely animal hybrids, namely cats. What could be weird to mix with a cat, I thought? I don't know, how about an elephant? Apparently I was not the first person to think this would be ridiculous, and I stumbled upon this list and more importantly, its comment section where someone joked that they're trying to create a cat-elephant hybrid named a catephant, in order to take "massive poos in [his] neighbour's garden." Charming. This all in the midst of a somewhat confusing and silly argument about taxonomy and wolves/dogs. Seriously though, that list is pretty cool.
What did I come up with?
I also thought about what would happen if machines were hybridized with animals. Not like some sort of cyborg rooster or what have you, but like a bird microwave:
[From the back, because seriously, you don't want to see that thing's hind end.] Imagine everything you hate about birds, then imagine them amplified: Being awakened at 5 AM every summer morning by a chorus of birds screaming for each others' attention? You now awaken to the quiet hum of a microwave, followed abruptly by a heinous unearthly beeping at a high E-flat (did I tell you I used to sing the same pitch as the microwave when I was little? No? Well Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime). Annoying bird poo on your windshield? That is now deadly flaming poo showers raining down from the skies. The only saving grace there is the series of deafeningly friendly warning beeps from above.I quite enjoyed the idea of Tim Curry-Bees. They would lull you into a false sense of security and enjoyment by doing a sing-along of "Sweet Transvestite," then while you're busy doing the Time Warp, they attack from all sides, driving you into anaphylactic shock regardless of whether or not you have a "bee allergy."
Everyone is allergic to Frank-n-Bees.Everyone.
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